Out of the Shadows: Personal Stories of Pregnancy and Postpartum

Additional Resources

• Maternal Mental Health Resources
• View Emily's full story
• View Esperanza's full story
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Emily's Story

Becoming pregnant with my first baby was a true miracle, because it was something that I never thought would be a possibility for me. With a history of eating disorders and reproductive issues, a large part of my recovery was making my health and family a top priority. My pregnancy was both a time of joy and a time of great anxiety, especially as the pandemic began to unfold. On top of the body image struggles I was encountering, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, which only exacerbated the anxiety I was having around food and the guilt I felt. Fortunately, I was able to maintain a support system of both family and health care providers who made sure that my pregnancy was progressing in a healthy way and my diabetes was under control. However, there was little discussion about my mental health, and there was shame surrounding speaking up about how I was feeling due to fear that I would appear as an unfit mother.

These thoughts spiraled in my mind up until the day I gave birth, on April 13, 2020- the beginning of the pandemic. I was unable to have my support system surrounding me as they did throughout my pregnancy, and it was extremely overwhelming, isolating, and lonely. Although my partner was present and offered immense compassion and support, the comfort and help that comes from extended family members was not there. What got me through the first month’s post-partum was one thing: belief in my own resiliency. I had recovered from a severe eating disorder, created life in a body that I now trusted, and was beginning to gain confidence in my ability to care for my newborn- all because I realized how strong I truly was. After a full year, I still have moments of anxiety and self-doubt, but the difference is that I have gained an ability to view these moments in a non-judgmental light and have compassion for myself…not only as a mom, but as an imperfectly perfect human being. Go to: Home | Additional Resources

Esperanza's Story

My transition to motherhood did not happen as I envisioned. I woke up from an emergency c-section, freezing and not understanding what had happened. My baby was healthy, but I had not been with him his first hour of life. The weeks following the birth of my son I found myself grieving the birth that I had wanted. I had support from my mom and my sister while my partner worked. That extra support really helped me most in getting through the days. I did not know about Postpartum Depression then. I had not realized how sad I was. My partner and I became distant, we did not talk about much other than our son and rarely made time for each other. We were, merely going through the motions.

When I found out about my second pregnancy, I was hopeful, but that year had done more damage than we knew. We were on the brink of separation. In fact, we did separate for a good portion of my pregnancy. I kept a journal during my pregnancy that I look back through and can feel how sad I was then. I was convinced that everything I had been feeling was because of my relationship issues with my partner. When my second son was born, I changed. I no longer wept, I feel like I had no time, I was overwhelmed, anxious and irritable. This was the hardest part of my Post-Partum Depression/Post-Partum Anxiety journey. My partner and I would both snap at little things and found ourselves resenting each other. It was a grumpy house, and it did not feel good. This was not what I had imagined, I wondered why things had changed so much.

Three and a half years we struggled, thinking that was just how our life was going to be. Today, about three years of feeling so much better I look back. We both had been dealing with postpartum depression but went about it differently. We did not have to go through that alone, I wish someone would have told me this could happen. That perinatal depression and anxiety is something many new parents struggle with. That there are resources that can help us or treatment that we can get. Transitioning to motherhood or parenthood can look many ways, but if you do not feel right, it is ok to reach out for help, you are not a bad parent for having these feelings. You are not alone and together by sharing our stories we bring awareness and normalize that this is not easy, and we need support from each other. Go to: Home | Additional Resources